HOW TO TELL THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE SHE'S GAINED A FEW
by Andrew S. Latham
It’s a question that almost all men will have to ask at some point. Often, as I gaze through the crowd I will see one or two couples walk by with a man skinnier than a pole and a woman roughly the size and weight of a killer whale. You know, the kind that has to ride the Rascals because actual movement makes them sweat so much they could fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Now, that’s not to say that the opposite can’t be true. Why, just yesterday I saw a man who could fill three theater seats with a modest, average-weighed woman. Does that mean she finds him repulsive? No. Because, unlike most men, women can tell their special someone when the time has come to hit the gym, hide the cookies, and hire a trainer to tame that fat monster. When a guy is fat the woman either accepts it or changes it, but that’s not how it works in the opposite side of the spectrum. Men just can’t say, “Hey, honey? Mind losing a few pounds because, in all honesty, I’m worried about the springs on our King Henry VIII-sized bed.” That’s just not how the world works.
Until now, that is.
Lately I’ve been thinking, as I sit surrounded by my massive bevy of women and tigers: why can’t we do that? If we honestly think a woman could stunt double for Free Willy, and if we happen to be romantically entwined with that woman, shouldn’t we feel obligated to inform her that it is her fault when we are asked to leave the buffet? Absolutely. Women, if you can’t accept the truth, than your standards of a relationship are based on nothing more than hypocrisy and double standards. And I, being the great humanitarian that I am, am here to drop some knowledge on my fellow man on just how he can let that special someone in his life know that, in all honesty, if it weren’t for her massive gravitational pull he would have bolted out the door the moment she discovered the existence of chocolate.
Breaking it to her without telling her
Let’s say that, for whatever reason, you still love this land beast you’re living with. There are a number of reasons, such as a fear of the unknown or the fact that your dating clothes would look absurd in the modern dating jungle, but there is a way of letting her know without telling her that she could eat a whole cow raw, fleas and all. Start a diet plan yourself and convince her to join with you. That way she can start losing weight and you can sculpt your man-calves. In short, everyone wins and you go home with a skinnier, healthier, lady friend.
Breaking it to her through outside sources
Maybe you don’t want to work out though. Like me, for example, you don’t need to work out to maintain a perfect body made of wrought-iron capable of punching lions. There are plenty of ways to psychologically manipulate that special someone into wanting to transform her jellylike body into something remotely pleasing. I call this one the ‘salad technique’ for reasons I don’t understand. What you need to do is start taking an avid interest in some of the things she eats. Like, let’s say she buys a bunch of microwave pizzas, and not for you like a good girlfriend/wife/mistress would. Maybe read off some of the ingredients and say that they’re dangerous. If she thinks you’re lying, check the Internet and claim it as valid evidence that you are indeed trying to save her life. She will be so grateful she’ll start becoming more health-conscious and slim down. Of course, she doesn’t know about the secret fridge in the basement with all the bad stuff for you, so chow down friend! After all, you’re the one looking out for yourself and her. She should be thanking you.
Breaking it to her like a man
But what if neither of those has worked? It’s time to break it down for her so that she can stop challenging you for breathing space. It’s time to be totally honest and, I know, the option of being honest is against everything I stand for in a relationship. However, if you’re committed to saving this relationship and keeping your house free of diabetes medication, listen up! The time has come to be honest about how you feel. Let’s be clear, there is no nice way to say this to the woman you love. All her life she has been reinforced to be beautiful by media, her friends, her family, and you. Anything less in our society is nothing more than trash. But she isn’t trash, guys. She’s recycling. You’re going to put her through the messy process I presume they do to recycled goods and, when she comes out, she’ll be a slim bottle of Coke where there was once a Tupperware box. Just explain to her that you love her, you don’t want to lose her, but she needs to lose a few in order for her to be healthier and enjoy a longer life with you. That’s still going to hurt her, but with a loving face and a supportive lie you’ll help her through the recycling process. And she’ll be all the better for it.
Breaking up with her
At last it’s come to this. She has refused to change herself just to make you happy, despite the fact that you have given up your awesome friends, your awesome job, and your loving dog to be with her. That’s it. Time to call it a day and just tell her to tectonically shift her way out of your life. At this point it is simply ridiculous. This isn’t just for you, it’s for her health and your happiness together that you are brave enough to tell her, for her own good, she needs to lose weight, but here she is denying that fact. In my book she has lost all girlfriend privileges and needs to have the spoiled princess removed from her as fast as possible through the cruelest method possible. Even if she isn’t with you after this night, she’s going to lose weight because of what you say. I recommend going for the Moby Dick jokes, like mentioning that you’re Ahab and all you wanted in life was to catch your Moby Dick. Barring this tell her to leave, if she can fit through the doorway, past the hallway, down the stairs without a Twinkie break, and into her car without destroying it. If this doesn’t make her lose weight, there is no hope and the largest creature alive, the Armillaria ostoyae, a fungus, should pack up its bags and call it a day at the Guinness World Records.
In Closing
Well, there you have it everyone. These are the three best ways and the one worst way of telling her that she needs to lose a few. Hopefully by following the advice here she will live to have a healthy happy life, the best thing I can recommend for her. Of course, if she has a gay friend all of this could be ignored and you could just ask him to suggest it. Women listen to gay guys. Of course, there’s always a chance that the gay guy will snitch on you, but that’s the gamble you take when you love someone enough to want to keep them healthy.
Good luck, men. And, for good measure, hide the pepper spray before this all goes down. Wouldn’t want to be blinded, now would we?
//ww
Until now, that is.
Lately I’ve been thinking, as I sit surrounded by my massive bevy of women and tigers: why can’t we do that? If we honestly think a woman could stunt double for Free Willy, and if we happen to be romantically entwined with that woman, shouldn’t we feel obligated to inform her that it is her fault when we are asked to leave the buffet? Absolutely. Women, if you can’t accept the truth, than your standards of a relationship are based on nothing more than hypocrisy and double standards. And I, being the great humanitarian that I am, am here to drop some knowledge on my fellow man on just how he can let that special someone in his life know that, in all honesty, if it weren’t for her massive gravitational pull he would have bolted out the door the moment she discovered the existence of chocolate.
Breaking it to her without telling her
Let’s say that, for whatever reason, you still love this land beast you’re living with. There are a number of reasons, such as a fear of the unknown or the fact that your dating clothes would look absurd in the modern dating jungle, but there is a way of letting her know without telling her that she could eat a whole cow raw, fleas and all. Start a diet plan yourself and convince her to join with you. That way she can start losing weight and you can sculpt your man-calves. In short, everyone wins and you go home with a skinnier, healthier, lady friend.
Breaking it to her through outside sources
Maybe you don’t want to work out though. Like me, for example, you don’t need to work out to maintain a perfect body made of wrought-iron capable of punching lions. There are plenty of ways to psychologically manipulate that special someone into wanting to transform her jellylike body into something remotely pleasing. I call this one the ‘salad technique’ for reasons I don’t understand. What you need to do is start taking an avid interest in some of the things she eats. Like, let’s say she buys a bunch of microwave pizzas, and not for you like a good girlfriend/wife/mistress would. Maybe read off some of the ingredients and say that they’re dangerous. If she thinks you’re lying, check the Internet and claim it as valid evidence that you are indeed trying to save her life. She will be so grateful she’ll start becoming more health-conscious and slim down. Of course, she doesn’t know about the secret fridge in the basement with all the bad stuff for you, so chow down friend! After all, you’re the one looking out for yourself and her. She should be thanking you.
Breaking it to her like a man
But what if neither of those has worked? It’s time to break it down for her so that she can stop challenging you for breathing space. It’s time to be totally honest and, I know, the option of being honest is against everything I stand for in a relationship. However, if you’re committed to saving this relationship and keeping your house free of diabetes medication, listen up! The time has come to be honest about how you feel. Let’s be clear, there is no nice way to say this to the woman you love. All her life she has been reinforced to be beautiful by media, her friends, her family, and you. Anything less in our society is nothing more than trash. But she isn’t trash, guys. She’s recycling. You’re going to put her through the messy process I presume they do to recycled goods and, when she comes out, she’ll be a slim bottle of Coke where there was once a Tupperware box. Just explain to her that you love her, you don’t want to lose her, but she needs to lose a few in order for her to be healthier and enjoy a longer life with you. That’s still going to hurt her, but with a loving face and a supportive lie you’ll help her through the recycling process. And she’ll be all the better for it.
Breaking up with her
At last it’s come to this. She has refused to change herself just to make you happy, despite the fact that you have given up your awesome friends, your awesome job, and your loving dog to be with her. That’s it. Time to call it a day and just tell her to tectonically shift her way out of your life. At this point it is simply ridiculous. This isn’t just for you, it’s for her health and your happiness together that you are brave enough to tell her, for her own good, she needs to lose weight, but here she is denying that fact. In my book she has lost all girlfriend privileges and needs to have the spoiled princess removed from her as fast as possible through the cruelest method possible. Even if she isn’t with you after this night, she’s going to lose weight because of what you say. I recommend going for the Moby Dick jokes, like mentioning that you’re Ahab and all you wanted in life was to catch your Moby Dick. Barring this tell her to leave, if she can fit through the doorway, past the hallway, down the stairs without a Twinkie break, and into her car without destroying it. If this doesn’t make her lose weight, there is no hope and the largest creature alive, the Armillaria ostoyae, a fungus, should pack up its bags and call it a day at the Guinness World Records.
In Closing
Well, there you have it everyone. These are the three best ways and the one worst way of telling her that she needs to lose a few. Hopefully by following the advice here she will live to have a healthy happy life, the best thing I can recommend for her. Of course, if she has a gay friend all of this could be ignored and you could just ask him to suggest it. Women listen to gay guys. Of course, there’s always a chance that the gay guy will snitch on you, but that’s the gamble you take when you love someone enough to want to keep them healthy.
Good luck, men. And, for good measure, hide the pepper spray before this all goes down. Wouldn’t want to be blinded, now would we?
//ww