GAY PARENT PRETENDERS by Whitney Harris
Anita Bryant, celebrity and orange-juice enthusiast, once said, “As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.” Ms. Bryant said this in the mid-1970s. Who could’ve known she had just accurately predicted today’s most troubling threat to the American way of life since men’s figure skating? As the homosexual community continues to grow, one might wonder where all these butt pirates and vagitarians came from?! They are obviously recruiting our children. How? Through adoption, artificial insemination, and other such ways that differ from God’s holy intentions of simply doing the nasty (missionary position only).
One might wonder if these people are really that bad. I must emphasize their abhorrence. Homosexual “parents” (or should I say “recruiters”?) are extremely harmful to children. Placing a child under the care of a homosexual is akin to throwing a litter of two-week old puppies next to a volcano exploding with flaming rainbows. These “parents” are using parenting as a cover up for the hidden gay agenda: to destroy our American way of life. First of all, homosexual “parents” influence children to break traditional American gender roles by disobeying the guidelines set forth by the Bible, Baby Jesus, and Pat Robertson. They encourage children to participate in “gender-crossing” activities such as softball and Star Wars Conventions. This is outrageous and can only lead to one outcome: the end of society as we know it. Little girls must be taught to bake apple pies and do laundry. Little boys must be taught to play baseball and grill burgers. The day this doesn’t happen will be a sure sign of the apocalypse.
Homosexuals acting as parents are also harmful to children in the fact that they are child molesters. They simply cannot resist those sweet nipples that can only be found on little boys during their prime. This is just common knowledge. Why else would the Boy Scouts of America specifically exclude gay scouts and scoutmasters from taking part in their all-American organization? Why else would the Vatican’s early response to the child-molestation accusations be to make the statement that gay men should not be ordained? Why else would the North America Man Boy Love Association even exist? This organization lobbies to have the age of sexual consent lowered, making the claim that early sex is healthy for young boys. NAMBLA consists mostly of homosexual men. It should go without saying that if a small group of homosexuals are for pederasty, then certainly all homosexuals are for pederasty.
I believe it is now clear that homosexuals are far from safe for children. Unfortunately, there are gay parent pretenders parading around grocery stores, nurseries, and parks everywhere. There must be nothing more terrifying for a child than living in a home where Daddy #1 makes gourmet fruit crepes for brunch while Daddy #2 waters the tulips and then walks down to the farmer’s market for a log of chevre. This injustice cannot be allowed any longer. So what is the solution? Rehabilitation camps! Rehabilitation camps for the children of these pretenders. This is our only option. These children have been tormented past the point of basic therapy and cannot be allowed to associate with other children in society for fear of spreading this infectious and luxuriant gay love, until they have been fully reformatted for heterosexuality.
In these rehabilitation camps, the level of gayness each child has been exposed to will be determined by formulas created by a new science, known as Queerometry. Using this science, children will be sorted into camps by level of infection. For example, if the child has been under the control of gay men, Queerometrics will assess the “parents’” levels of fashion sense and interest in the show Project Runway, number of manicures and pedicures during one month, and the interior design of the domicile (does the carpet match the drapes?). If the child was under the control of lesbians, Queerometry will assess how many clothing items they own from American Eagle, how much fleece they wear (it’s the new flannel), shortness of hair, how many pair of Teva sandals they own, and the extensiveness of their power tool collection. This is to prevent children with extreme fagitude infection from further contaminating children with less infection and will assist the doctors and therapists in distinguishing between those with extreme disability and those who actually have a chance of recovery. If the boy already has a lisp, he’ll need hours of exposure to ESPN, Nickelback, and NASCAR coverage; if the girl already has a deep love of carpentry, she’ll need to study the entire catalogue of Cosmopolitan magazine and watch every episode of Sex in the City. Twice.
These rehabilitation camps will help children get the proper American hetero-socialization not provided by homosexuals, who are inherently un-American and absolutely un-hetero. This means exposing them to everything they missed out on while having gay parent pretenders. Children will be forced to watch marathons of television shows such as All in the Family, The Brady Bunch, Leave It To Beaver, Married…With Children, and Jon and Kate Plus 8, all of which demonstrate excellent examples of God-fearing, (and more importantly) straight American families. The children will also be allowed to watch Will & Grace, but only while simultaneously receiving shock treatment. There will be heterosexual couples placed at random throughout the camp in rooms such as the kitchen, bathroom, and even the dining room. These couples will be performing sex with each other (missionary position only), in an attempt to have these children shocked by the experience no American childhood is complete without: walking in on parents having boring, very impassionate heterosexual relations. It will also be mandated that each child attend a pleasant amount of lectures by such brilliant minds as Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church (whom will speak on how he coined his extremely catchy phrase “God Hates Fags”), Rev. Donald E. Wildmon of the American Family Association, Senator Larry Craig (whom will speak on the dangers of accidental homosexual encounters while pooping in airports), Reverend Ted Haggard and many others. Every morning the children will be awoken by the majestic sounds of Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American” (a true classic, whose repetition can only make these diseased children proud to be an American), followed by a mandatory hand check aided by black lights. All of these things will work together along with the help of several other COMPLETELY legal methods, water torture and chain gangs not excluded, to rehabilitate these damaged children.
Once a child has completed most of his/her rehabilitation requirements, they will be given a chance of parole. They will be released into society under surveillance IF and ONLY IF they can pass the HOMOS: the Heterosexual Outlook and Mores Overview Simulator. This is a virtual reality test, designed by experts in gay-reversal therapy, in which players are placed into a normal, heterosexual family and forced to adapt. They will be tested on appropriate social skills, level of conformity and their ability to avoid being called a queer. The children will prepare for the HOMOS through all the various activities held on the rehabilitation campgrounds, and a helpful guidebook called Taking the HOMOS from Behind.
These rehabilitation camps are absolutely a drastic measure, but I assure you, it is all for the best of our children and our USA. The potential damage done to each child by these homosexuals could be immeasurable and horrifying. We cannot give our children over to homosexual control without a fight. It must be stopped before the homosexuals are too strong in numbers. If Americans lose this battle against these flamboyant Striesand-ites and Rosie O’Donnelloids, we could lose all the rights, liberties and justices we’ve worked so hard for as a country.
//ww
One might wonder if these people are really that bad. I must emphasize their abhorrence. Homosexual “parents” (or should I say “recruiters”?) are extremely harmful to children. Placing a child under the care of a homosexual is akin to throwing a litter of two-week old puppies next to a volcano exploding with flaming rainbows. These “parents” are using parenting as a cover up for the hidden gay agenda: to destroy our American way of life. First of all, homosexual “parents” influence children to break traditional American gender roles by disobeying the guidelines set forth by the Bible, Baby Jesus, and Pat Robertson. They encourage children to participate in “gender-crossing” activities such as softball and Star Wars Conventions. This is outrageous and can only lead to one outcome: the end of society as we know it. Little girls must be taught to bake apple pies and do laundry. Little boys must be taught to play baseball and grill burgers. The day this doesn’t happen will be a sure sign of the apocalypse.
Homosexuals acting as parents are also harmful to children in the fact that they are child molesters. They simply cannot resist those sweet nipples that can only be found on little boys during their prime. This is just common knowledge. Why else would the Boy Scouts of America specifically exclude gay scouts and scoutmasters from taking part in their all-American organization? Why else would the Vatican’s early response to the child-molestation accusations be to make the statement that gay men should not be ordained? Why else would the North America Man Boy Love Association even exist? This organization lobbies to have the age of sexual consent lowered, making the claim that early sex is healthy for young boys. NAMBLA consists mostly of homosexual men. It should go without saying that if a small group of homosexuals are for pederasty, then certainly all homosexuals are for pederasty.
I believe it is now clear that homosexuals are far from safe for children. Unfortunately, there are gay parent pretenders parading around grocery stores, nurseries, and parks everywhere. There must be nothing more terrifying for a child than living in a home where Daddy #1 makes gourmet fruit crepes for brunch while Daddy #2 waters the tulips and then walks down to the farmer’s market for a log of chevre. This injustice cannot be allowed any longer. So what is the solution? Rehabilitation camps! Rehabilitation camps for the children of these pretenders. This is our only option. These children have been tormented past the point of basic therapy and cannot be allowed to associate with other children in society for fear of spreading this infectious and luxuriant gay love, until they have been fully reformatted for heterosexuality.
In these rehabilitation camps, the level of gayness each child has been exposed to will be determined by formulas created by a new science, known as Queerometry. Using this science, children will be sorted into camps by level of infection. For example, if the child has been under the control of gay men, Queerometrics will assess the “parents’” levels of fashion sense and interest in the show Project Runway, number of manicures and pedicures during one month, and the interior design of the domicile (does the carpet match the drapes?). If the child was under the control of lesbians, Queerometry will assess how many clothing items they own from American Eagle, how much fleece they wear (it’s the new flannel), shortness of hair, how many pair of Teva sandals they own, and the extensiveness of their power tool collection. This is to prevent children with extreme fagitude infection from further contaminating children with less infection and will assist the doctors and therapists in distinguishing between those with extreme disability and those who actually have a chance of recovery. If the boy already has a lisp, he’ll need hours of exposure to ESPN, Nickelback, and NASCAR coverage; if the girl already has a deep love of carpentry, she’ll need to study the entire catalogue of Cosmopolitan magazine and watch every episode of Sex in the City. Twice.
These rehabilitation camps will help children get the proper American hetero-socialization not provided by homosexuals, who are inherently un-American and absolutely un-hetero. This means exposing them to everything they missed out on while having gay parent pretenders. Children will be forced to watch marathons of television shows such as All in the Family, The Brady Bunch, Leave It To Beaver, Married…With Children, and Jon and Kate Plus 8, all of which demonstrate excellent examples of God-fearing, (and more importantly) straight American families. The children will also be allowed to watch Will & Grace, but only while simultaneously receiving shock treatment. There will be heterosexual couples placed at random throughout the camp in rooms such as the kitchen, bathroom, and even the dining room. These couples will be performing sex with each other (missionary position only), in an attempt to have these children shocked by the experience no American childhood is complete without: walking in on parents having boring, very impassionate heterosexual relations. It will also be mandated that each child attend a pleasant amount of lectures by such brilliant minds as Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church (whom will speak on how he coined his extremely catchy phrase “God Hates Fags”), Rev. Donald E. Wildmon of the American Family Association, Senator Larry Craig (whom will speak on the dangers of accidental homosexual encounters while pooping in airports), Reverend Ted Haggard and many others. Every morning the children will be awoken by the majestic sounds of Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American” (a true classic, whose repetition can only make these diseased children proud to be an American), followed by a mandatory hand check aided by black lights. All of these things will work together along with the help of several other COMPLETELY legal methods, water torture and chain gangs not excluded, to rehabilitate these damaged children.
Once a child has completed most of his/her rehabilitation requirements, they will be given a chance of parole. They will be released into society under surveillance IF and ONLY IF they can pass the HOMOS: the Heterosexual Outlook and Mores Overview Simulator. This is a virtual reality test, designed by experts in gay-reversal therapy, in which players are placed into a normal, heterosexual family and forced to adapt. They will be tested on appropriate social skills, level of conformity and their ability to avoid being called a queer. The children will prepare for the HOMOS through all the various activities held on the rehabilitation campgrounds, and a helpful guidebook called Taking the HOMOS from Behind.
These rehabilitation camps are absolutely a drastic measure, but I assure you, it is all for the best of our children and our USA. The potential damage done to each child by these homosexuals could be immeasurable and horrifying. We cannot give our children over to homosexual control without a fight. It must be stopped before the homosexuals are too strong in numbers. If Americans lose this battle against these flamboyant Striesand-ites and Rosie O’Donnelloids, we could lose all the rights, liberties and justices we’ve worked so hard for as a country.
//ww